A State Of Passivity

I recall an old officemate of mine who is very vocal about anything under the sun--well, almost.

He always had something to say: from what he eats at breakfast and the rigid preparations his maid or anyone handling it must make to provide his wants, to government regulations, and the latest in showbiz trivia. But when you discuss with him issues on faith or spirituality, his lips are as tight-sealed as one left to dry with rugby for a week!

I even remember him saying, "when it comes to religion, I don't want to talk about it. I believe it is not up for arguments." He said that when we weren't even debating on anything. (To think that he is a devout Christian.)

I just asked him, "what do you think?" about something I experienced that was related to religion and faith. Funny, really!

Oh well, I remembered this officemate of mine after reading the gospel reflections the other day. The gospel delved around never stopping to testify to God's miracles in our lives, no matter how small these are. Reading the gospel made me realize that one has to have that enthusiasm for evangelism even when faced by passivity, which is very disheartening and frustrating.

I should know. There are so many instances in my life when the people I care for and expect to receive support and cooperation from are the ones who act deaf and blind to the littlest events that even heed for it.

This is why, whenever I encounter the word passivity, I couldn't help but attach it to the word indifference. I looked it up over the Internet and found that passivity is defined as, in terms of a contest or sport, actions that a player fails to take that are often characterized by reluctance and lacking in energy or will. There, passivity's definition sounds much like indifference in a lot of aspects.

When I think about my officemate, I couldn't help but feel sad because the efforts of him going to mass every Sunday and holiday of obligation died with him whenever he steps out of church.

The thought becomes more depressing after realizing that a lot of people I know are passive when it comes to airing their opinions and beliefs on faith and religiousity. People fear being tagged as "corny" or "baduy" (unfashionable) when speaking about God more than anything, I guess.

Maybe this is why the our country is ill socially, economically, and politically. Our faith is measured more on festivities and church-going, such that we separate it from what we do at work and in our homes.

I think everyone (yes, including me) must consider undergoing a general spiritual checkup and cleaning if we want our lives and our nation to progress in all aspects.

In truth, being a good follower of any religion, whether its Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, etc., isn't just about strict adherance to rituals. One's faith in God grows whenever we share this to the people we meet everyday in word and deed.

Testify for your faith. You'll feel and see the difference.

My Angel

It took me three whole years just to finish her.

An angel in monotones of brown clad against a transparent, shiny glass matted onto thin, dark brown frames.

Her big round curls laid softly against her chubby face. While her stubby hands supported her chin, as she smiled in a daydream. Life illuminated from her stillness through her child-like eyes.

She spent most of the two-and-a-half years of that in waiting inside a plastic white bag along with the other patterns and threads kept inside my 12 x 12 x 12 blue velvet treasure box. The only time she would chance upon rays of sunlight or artificial light would be when I brought her out-of-the-blue to make a line or two of stitch.

My husband and I bought her pattern in a hobby shop near our rented apartment when we were still living in Makati. Both of us had our own patterns. We made a bet to race against each other in finishing our patterns. But that seemed like decades ago.

Now, as I look at her sitting on top of my shoe cabinet con makeshift sala decor holder, I feel contented and joyful for having been able to accomplish something so lovely and monumental. Monumental because Angel and I share a special chapter in my life--a time when I was going through the pain of my third miscarriage.

Every time I look at her, hope fills me because I know that someday I will have a real angel of my own to cherish.

Finally!

Now, I can finally, finally do what I've been wanting to do since Friday! So much boredom comes along when asthma knocks at the door.

Oh well, now that I'm done with my paper work--well, at least for the day--I can now start blogging again! Yipeee!

My life now revolve around blogs. Thank God for blogs! Thank God for Blogger!

Speaking of blogging, I found myself alienated at seeing myself holding a ballpen yesterday! It really felt so odd while I scribbled my life for the past nine months into my diary. Yes, that's how long ago my last log was! Whew!

My penmanship was horrible as I fought with the pen against my stiff hands. This is my punishment for working with the computer for almost everyday in the year . Hahaha! It's quite a scene really.

Well, something wonderful came out from that experience anyway: I'm improving in a lot of aspects. My progress may be slow, compared to last year, but at least I'm doing better in a lot of things. Had I not been sick, deprived from the PC, and bored in bed, I wouldn't have known my developments as a person, wife, and Christian.

As they say, there is no such thing as coincidences. Everything happens for a reason.

Now, off to my other blogs...

Humdrum

I'm bored to death today. I can't do anything because much of what I need to do requires a PC. My husband's been glued to the PC the whole day because of his deadlines. And I only have this few stolen minutes to write my thoughts in general:

• people's passivity towards religious or spiritual issues
• my improvements in weight
• my last will and testament...and afterthoughts about it
• frustrations, frustrations, frustrations
• money scarcity
• little accomplishments
• feelings of loneliness
• my unmet wish list of projects for 2005

Heck, I'll get back on all these tomorrow when I'm done with my To Do's. Ha! The PC's mine the whole day! I think...

Budget Crazed

Damn, it's so hard to budget money these days!

I can't help but worry that my money won't suffice for the month. I'm only getting PHP5K a month for my freelance job, which now has become my sole source of income.

From one grocery to the other, you'll find me hopping in search of a cheaper-priced commodity. Fresh food items, meat, fruits, and vegetables are cheap. But when it comes to household cleaning utilities--man, it's getting expensive everytime I shop.

My husband's credit card is useless because it's full to the brim and we haven't had the extra dough to pay it. His business' collection is virtually non-existent and so he's depending on me, one more knotch up. Now, I'm not just the wife, chambermaid, and business assistant, I'm also the bread winner.

Well, there goes my dreams of spending a day in the salon for hair treatments, my gym membership, and weekly visits at the spa for cellulite treatment. That doesn't include not being able to buy the clothes I need and my wishlist project for this year.

The good thing with having a budget, though, is being able to foresee which things I could buy and live without. One wrong move (fastfood dining, for example) will cause me a lot, big time--enough to keep our home life crashing down!

Haunted

I do not wish to fall prey to his bait. Though I hear his voice beckon me. I hesitate and cling onto good thoughts.

I am being haunted by hurt feelings and the sense of loneliness I once felt during my loved one's betrayal. I feel my beloved distancing himself from me. I shrug it off but it won't go. Ignored messages, unread emails, limited conversations, and paling touch make me dwell into negativity.

The Devil tempts me!

Is there another woman in my loved one's life? I pray not. Else, my new beginnings shall truly crumble and I shall be lost forever. In agony. In solitude.

God help me! Strengthen my loved one and keep him from temptation!